Happy New Year!
I am especially grateful for the change in calendar year this time around. This year, more than others, it feels like I am in dire need of a fresh start. I know it's been a hard year for everyone, and this past year has most definitely taken its toll on me. I'm trying. I try to put my energy into the bright side of things, find the blessings in the challenges, grow stronger from every hill we have to climb and be grateful for all of the wonderful good things in our lives (because there is so much, even when things are hard). But this year definitely knocked me down and rolled me sideways. I think I'm still tumbling to be honest.
This year... I don't know if I ran out of steam, or if the constant shifting of pandemic guidelines and safety just left me sputtering. I felt like we were taking too many risks and being left behind all at once, doing too much and yet not nearly enough. I felt like I lost myself, sifting through the days strung together by doctors appointments and sports practices, looking for things to help and hold onto. I was frustrated with my health and the lack of control with chronic illness. I've had to come to terms with my diagnoses, to accept the reality of this new life, while also powering through to things like work, practices, games and activities. Managing is very different than overcoming.
The storm hasn't relented. If it's not me, it's the kids. Someone doesn't feel well, something hurts, someone is sad, upset, had their feelings hurt at school. Big things, little things, pandemic things and growing up things... it's all part of life but in combination they build up. This year Matt developed a severe, potentially-dangerous grass pollen allergy and is getting weekly allergy shots for a year (then monthly for several years after). Kindergarten germs are brutal during the best of times. We've had to play "is it a cold or COVID?" way too many times already. And the day after Christmas he ended up in the Pediatric ICU and gave me a million gray hairs. He's doing a lot better and is even back in school, but we have a long road ahead with specialists lined up to figure out what the heck happened, why and how to prevent it in the future. More days ahead strung together by doctor appointments.
Last year I made grand declarations at New Year's. Better! Stronger! Healthier! I will soon be diagnosed and vaxxed and ready to take on the world! I felt like the only way we could go was up. Turns out we can also go sideways. And I've learned that sometimes the halfway, between stages are just as hard as the big bad part, just in different ways. This year my goals are smaller. Softer. Whispers of what might be possible. Happy and healthy have become moving targets. We've cancelled so many plans in the past 6 weeks that part of me wants to throw in the towel and stop trying. Omicron feels inevitable in NJ (we're talking over 25,000 new cases a day, every day). The gap keeps widening. Maybe I'll just paint the dining room instead.
But I am trying. And I'll keep trying to focus on the silver linings and nurturing the sunshine that hasn't quite fizzled out yet. I'll make plans in my head and on paper and hope for the best. I'll keep our house stocked with tissues, Gatorade, and chicken soup just in case. I'll meditate, go for morning walks with Mike and Morgan, take deep breaths and hide in the greenhouse with my plants . I'll pick little vases of winter flowers. I'll play games with the boys every day and tell them over and over how much I love them. We'll find and build our own new normal, an in-between, and I'm going to try to let go of expectations.
I have every hope that 2022 will be a brighter year, a better year, for all of us.
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